My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
