So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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