He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
