saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
