I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
