I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
