girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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