im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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