I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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