I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
