hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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