When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
