News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
