in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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