On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
