Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
