why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
