My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
