Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
