:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
