Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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