He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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