i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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