I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
