I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
