fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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