my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
