It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
