PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
i now understand why vodka
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
