I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
