chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
