So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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