When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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