I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
