im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
