You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I need a burrito and a hug.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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