Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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