I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
