When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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