I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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