I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
