Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
