Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
