I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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