I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
