I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
