I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
