It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Never underestimate the power of titties
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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