drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
