So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
