dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
